I forgot to wear a belt to work today. HOW DOES THAT EVEN HAPPEN?

State of the Blog

So it’s been a week or so since my last post and the guilt has overridden my conscience. Thankfully, I wiped my prints off the tire iron. But what of this blog? The HTML coding is in abject squalor, the many Google ads littered around precariously go largely unclicked and have developed a despondent sense of self-worth, and my writing style is a Flesch-Kincaid third grade level.

Well, it’s been a tough year for me. My cordless mouse batteries died last week, and like anyone who has had a death recently, I have found it hard to get back into the daily grind (SYMPATHY HOME RUN). I have also been out of town for the past week or so. Wait, that’s not true. But you, the “blogee” didn’t know that. Fact is; there isn’t even any way for you to check up on that. You have little to no idea where I’ve been or what I’ve been doing. Although, the even money is that I am in my guest room bathed in the glow of multiple LCD monitors displaying Japanese animation, a cheeto-stained keyboard, and “Funyuns.” However, you wouldn’t even have the faintest notion that this was the case. Like Svengali, I could tell you anything, and you’d be forced to believe it. But no, I would never make such an egregious lie to you, my faithful reader. No, a man of my stature: Harvard law degree, naturally olive skin, and rock-hard pecs, would never lie with such malice to you.

I can only attribute such lethargy to a mixture of apathy, ennui, and the water-like weak coffees of the world (you know who you are). However, the main reason for my tardiness would, of course, be that it is the off season for just a week or so more. Like others in the extended Lightning organization, (yeah, I went there) I have been absolutely engulfed in my off-season training regime; hitting the weights to increase my typing speed. Meditating, and plagiarizing better blogs to increase wit and content. Finally, praying to increase readership.

But this blog isn’t about begging for regular readers, no that’s what the “late-night house call” campaign was about. (Ever heard of returning a phone call?) No, friends, this Blog is about the Tampa Bay Lightning, Googling our own name to check our criminal records, updates on my cynicism and raging bitterness, and the occasional bonus brownie recipe. With the season almost upon us, I am officially getting that deep-pitted feeling in my stomach. And this time, it’s not the Crohn’s disease. No, it’s the 2007 season, and it's everything; its infinite hope and love and promise and the whole world is spinning. Yes, it’s just like a week old burrito. It’s salubrious, and lugubrious at the same time. It’s an excuse to have a beer on a Wednesday, and skip that AA meeting. And finally, it’s ok to wear a hockey jersey as an adult (just don’t go outside. Seriously, they only look good with a color-matched hoodie underneath.)

Fudgy-Brownie Recipe:

INGREDIENTS:
8 - 1 ounce squares of unsweetened chocolate
1 cup butter
5 eggs
3 cups sugar
1 tablespoon vanilla
1-1/2 cups flour
1 teaspoon salt
2-1/2 cups chopped pecans or walnuts, toasted

PREPARATION:
preheat oven to 375 degrees. grease a 9 x 13 pan. melt chocolate and butter in a saucepan over low heat; set aside. in a mixer, beat eggs, sugar and vanilla at high speed for 10 minutes**. blend in chocolate mixture, flour and salt until just mixed.

stir in the nuts(lol). pour into prepared pan. bake for 35-40 minutes. (don't overbake.) cool and frost if desired, but that is not necessary.

** It's not required, but this is when it's very nice to own a stand mixer.

"Look, Very Soon I Can Actually Start Writing About Hockey Games, Hang In There" Report for 9/4/2007

As the weeks dwindle by, and the days all meld into one sort of “super-day” in which I am perpetually going to work, I lament the last remaining days of summer with a glimmer in my eye like an old man recounting the days of his youth. Yet, on the horizon, just out of reach, is my “Rushmore” – Hockey season. With training camp mere weeks away, I have already begun the traditional “hockey season is back” hugs that generally last a little bit too long, and usually fill up the office complaint box within minutes. Although my questionable sexual orientation may be the inexplicable leitmotiv of this blog, I digress. The real reason for my salubrious attitude in the face of waning summer time activities is the start of the 2007 Tampa Bay Lightning season. And while winter-time brings with it a cold-gray reality, and an alabaster visage, we have the one thing that a new season brings that could never be swallowed up by the unfortunate vicissitudes of life: hope. Hope of a new season and a fresh start.

With that said, hope is not naïve. I don’t need a perfect season this year. 81-1 is cool. But I would like to see the second round of the playoffs this year, and maybe even a new division banner? Last year, Lecavalier turned my enjoyment of hockey from something that's borderline unhealthy to something that's completely unhealthy. While I really can’t expect him to lead the league in goals every year, I do expect him to at the very least break 50 again this year.

Will Doug MacLean continue to be the Machiavellian douche that got him run out of Columbus and Miami? Will they spend the money to get players at the trade deadline if and when we do require that? Will I fix my typos in this article before I post it? Unlikely.

Well, of one thing you can be sure, this blog, fueled mostly by caffeinated drinks and Centrum multi-vitamins, will be broadcast simultaneously to all three people I know on the internet and in 49 states (sorry Tennessee!) So I will stay on top of the ansgty melodrama that is sure to follow this team this season, and offer my unbiased (READ: I haven’t been bought, YET *Hint hint*) opinion and entertain those of you who meant to click on the link above mine. So read on, those of you with poor mouse skills, and keep checking this blog. I guarantee that you will die from the literary genius contained within*



*results not guaranteed.