End of Regular Season Report Cards

Vincent Lecavalier C (81GP 40G 52A 92PTS -17) – A

Now that I look back at it, it was obvious that he was injured the last half of the season. I didn’t really find out that he was playing with an injured wrist until after the trade deadline, but until January or so he was on pace to obliterate last years point totals, and on his way to obtaining more hardware for his mantle (no one has these in Florida) in way of the Art Ross (which would’ve looked great next to his Richard trophy.)

Martin St. Louis RW (82GP 25G 58A 83PTS -23) – B+

Statistically a down year for Mr. Marty, but he really flew out there, as always. If you believe in luck, and aren’t afraid to blame it for all your shortcomings, as I do, then you would know that St Louis had tremendously bad luck this year. He hit two posts in the Pittsburgh game I saw, consecutively. His shot is still outstanding, and he still can hold onto a puck in the corner when an opposing player almost three times his size is draped all over him. He’s a marvel, and he signed my jersey.

Jeff Halpern C (83GP 20G 22A 42PTS 0) – A

I’ll be the first to admit when I was wrong, mostly to beat others to the punch. I thought Halpern was a washed-up has-been. Finding out that we shipped Brad Richards off for Halpern in his shrinking dotage, the worst Jokinen in the league, and a goalie was quite upsetting. But seeing as how he led all trade deadline acquisitions in points, and most notably goals, I have to concede defeat. Especially after seeing Brad Richards point totals.

Jussi Jokinen LW (72GP 16G 26A 42PTS -14) – B

Fairly happy with “Juicy” as well. He also has put nice numbers, and although I really don’t consider him a top line forward, he makes some nice plays. Good acquisition and I sincerely hope he ends up playing on a second line next year with Stamkos.

Michel Ouellet RW (64GP 17G 19A 36PTS 11) – C

Ol’ “Mango Salsa’s” 17 goals may on the outside seem low, but then you have to remember he was injured for 18 games, and he was here to replace Ruslan Fedotenko’s 12 goals and 20 assists. Ouellet started out slow, but really seemed to pick up steam after the trade deadline saw his line mate Brad Richards traded to the Stars. Chemistry or not, he really started putting pucks in the net, and if he can keep it up next year, he will easily break 20. (wow)

Mathieu Darche LW (73GP 7G 15A 22PTS -14) – D

Career AHLer Mathieu Darche will have a heavy heart next season. Not because the little guy isn’t getting enough exercise, Darche is one of the hardest working guys on the team. But he’s just not talented enough for the NHL, which is sad, considering he made our second line. If this poll was rated on a curve, as to how the players did as compared to what tools they had available, Darche would have got an “A”. Instead, he gets a “D” and an atta boy, and a ticket back to Norfolk.

Andre Roy RW (63GP 4G 3A 7PTS -1) – F

In my humble opinion, a human waste of space. Takes bad penalties, is very little threat to score, gets knocked out by one punch in Philly of all places, and is the protagonist of the very lame “WE WANT ROY” chant that the locals seem to yell at the end of every game. But I guess he lights his farts on fire in the locker room, or something, and the players love him.

Chris Gratton C (60GP 10G 11A 21PTS -7) – D

Injured for most of the season, Chris Gratton was brought in to win face-offs late in the game on a checking line, and pot the occasional goal. Which he was doing, up until he was injured.

Shane O'Brien D (77GP 4G 17A 21PTS -2) – C

I’m the #1 SOB apologist, but I’d like to see him play more physical. Apparently so would other people, as he was a healthy scratch for the last couple of games in the season.

Jason Ward RW (79GP 8G 6A 14PTS -18) – D

This guy was an 11^th overall pick, this is why I’m glad the Lightning got the first overall pick. Torts summed it up: "He's playing himself right off the team, as far as I'm concerned, with some of the decision-making he's been making."

Craig MacDonald C (65GP 2G 9A 11PTS -10) – D

Biggest claim to fame was both times he was busted up. Once, while playing the Leafs, he took a slapshot to the face from defenseman Hal Gill that fractured nine of MacDonald's teeth, took around 80 stitches to close wounds to his mouth, and three root canals the following morning. The second came from a hit from Rangers Defenseman Fedor Tyutin which sent MacDonald’s gloves flying, and Tyutin straight into a McGuire's Monsters segment.

Nick Tarnasky C (80GP 6G 4A 10PTS -15) – D

Unfair grade, really. He’s a nice role player.

Brad Lukowich D (59GP 1G 6A 7PTS -15) – F

Played “Rock Band” in the restaurant below the St. Pete Times Forum for fan appreciation week while the big boys played their remaining games. Rock Band.

Dan Boyle D (37GP 4G 21A 25PTS -29) – C-

Although he is enemy #1 on the HF Boards, and sometimes his “defense” offends my delicate sensibilities, Dan Boyle IS the Tampa Bay Lightning. He never really has been a shutdown defender, but his outlet passes spring Vinny and Marty, and that’s why they pay him 6.6 a year. This team hurt without him, and we’re better for retaining him.

Filip Kuba D (75GP 6G 25A 31PTS -8) – C

Absolutely must be traded this offseason. Please.

Paul Ranger D (72GP 10G 21A 31PTS -13) – C

Much better than last year, hopefully he continues to improve.

Mike Lundin D (81GP 0G 6A 6PTS 3) – C

Perennial season long overachiever Mike Lundin won a spot on the Lightning Defense by making smart plays and that’s it.

Alexandre Picard D (24GP 3G 3A 6PTS -12) – B

Would’ve got an “A” had I been able to make some badass joke about his last name leading to a catchphrase, T-shirt, image macro or all of the above. Hate to hold it against the kid, because he took Ranger’s spot as #2 Defenseman when he went down with a shoulder injury.

Doug Janik D (61GP 1G 3A 4PTS -3) – D

He's, well, Doug Janik.

Andreas Karlsson C (58GP 2G 2A 4PTS -7) – D

I saw him score a goal once in Boston. Which is nice.

Ryan Craig C (7GP 1G 1A 2PTS -1) – F

KNEES

Blair Jones C (4GP 0G 0A 0PTS 0) – Undetermined

Pretty sure he banged Tortorella’s daughter or something. One of our best forward prospects, and was overlooked when Tortorella decided to instead move Doug Janik onto a forward line. Once had a total of 9 seconds of ice time in a game. Don’t poke the bear, kid.

Matt Smaby D (14GP 0G 0A 0PTS -6) – B

Smaby was supposed to make the team last year, and then he was a shoo-in for this year’s squad, yet he still lost out to then unknown Mike Lundin. Smaby had his chances with Boyle committing the Ritchie Tennenbaum, but he never made a mark, especially on the other team. He was lambasted for his lack of physical play, and sent down to the AHL for the season. He was recalled and played much better, I expect him to start next year.

Karl Stewart LW (9GP 0G 0A 0PTS -2) – F

BIG trade deadline pickup last year, described as a “cannonball” by Feaster.

Feaster is dumb.

Jay Leach D (2GP 0G 0A 0PTS -1) – Undetermined

Junior Lessard RW (21GP 1G 1A 2PTS -6) – Undetermined

Kyle Wanvig RW (7GP 1G 0A 1PTS -1) – Undetermined

Mike Smith G (34GP 2.59GAA 15W 19L .901PCT 3SO) – B

Benefit of the doubt lands him a “B”. I want to see him play a full season.

Karri Ramo G (22GP 3.03GAA 7W 11L .899PCT 0SO) – B

At 21, he may just get sent back to the AHL, but his play as of late would garner him a spot on the team.

Marc Denis G (10GP 4.05GAA 1W 5L .859PCT 0SO) – LOL

Should’ve been wearing a mask when he signed that contract. Sometimes I like to sit at my desk and imagine he actually died, this is one of those times.

The Strive for 5 ...0

With Vincent's 40th goal last night in a all-too-familiar third period collapse, the season goals for this Lightning fan have certainly changed.   While, at the beginning, the goal was getting past the first round of the playoffs, something we hadn't accomplished since the Stanley Cup run of 2004-05.  Now it seems that with the playoffs a distant memory, the focus has shifted in my mind to Lecavalier's personal achievements, and draft picks. 

As of today, Vinny has 40 goals, with nine games remaining.  While the team sits at 66 points this season, with the LA Kings sitting at a league worst 64 points and one less game remaining. 

"Pronger Stomps on Kesler, Bettman Dismisses Case on Account of 'Prongers will be Prongers.'"

No NHL discipline for Pronger's stomp


See the video here, Oh please, I'm so excited!

TSN.ca Staff

3/13/2008 2:08:25 PM

Anaheim Ducks defenceman Chris Pronger will not face any disciplinary action from the National Hockey League for stomping on Vancouver Canucks centre Ryan Kesler on Wednesday night.

The incident happened in the opening minute of the second period in Anaheim's zone after a dump in from the blue line by Canucks defenceman Sami Salo.

Kesler - one of two Canuck forwards who chased down the puck behind the goal line - collided with Pronger along the boards and fell, and the Ducks captain appeared to deliberately step on him. Kesler did not suffer any injuries from after the incident.

"He stomped on me," Kesler told reporters after the game. "He got me on the calf."
Related Info

It isn't the first time the former Norris and Hart Trophy winner has been involved in such incidents.

Pronger received a one-game suspension from the NHL last May for his hit on Detroit Red Wings forward Tomas Holmstrom in Game 3 of the Western Conference final, and was suspended for a game in June for hitting Ottawa's Dean McAmmond in the head with his forearm during the third period of the Senators' 5-3 win in Game 3 of the Stanley Cup final.

It also marks the second time this season that a player has stepped on an opponent while he was laying prone.

In December, New York Islanders forward Chris Simon received a 30-game suspension for trying to step on Pittsburgh forward Jarkko Ruutu's foot.

*Title courtesy of HPL

LOLSH Trade Deadline is Today

With the NHL trade deadline come and gone, with our beloved Lightning shipping off Brad "Brad Richards" Richards to Dallas, it made me start thinking about all the players that could be leaving and where they could be going. And then I had a great idea for a new post for this here blog. It would be funny, clever, witty, and a pleasure to read.

Then, I realized this post was terrible so I deleted it, and stole a thread from the HF boards.

So, this is how the trade deadline would look like if players were shipped ot the teams they SHOULD be playing for:

Miroslav Satan has been traded to the
New Jersey Devils

Paul Ranger has been traded to the
New York Rangers

Martin St. Louis has been traded to the
St. Louis Blues

Dan Hinote has been traded to the
St. Louis Blues

Vincent Lecavalier has been traded to the
Buffalo Sabres

Patrick Sharp has been traded to the
Buffalo Sabres

Dustin Penner has been traded to the
Pittsburgh Penguins

Some others that came up in the thread:


Burns should be a flame
Park should be a Ranger
Hatcher should be a duck
Trent Hunter to the Mighty Ducks
Michael Nylander - Islanders
Cam Barker – Coyotes
Kris Beech – Sharks
Dallas Drake - Ducks
Hal Gill - Sharks
Dany Heatley - Flames
Collin White, Todd White and Garth Snow- Avalanche
Eric Brewer - Bruins
Fisher to Sharks
Milan Hejduk – Ducks
Marco Sturm – Hurricanes

And that’s all I can think of (copy and paste) but if I think of any more, I will probably add it into a comment that’s anonymous so it looks like I have readers.

Introducing Mike Smith, Your New Starting Goalie

Breaking News: Jan Hlavac to Nashville for a Seventh Round Pick.

From RDS: Analysis to follow.

Smith, Jokinen and Halpern for Richards and an Alleged Goaltender

Forget the other two names, people. Halpern is an older Gratton, and we traded for the wrong Jokinen. This trade was all about Mike Smith. Jay Feaster obviously likes this guy, but he also liked Marc Denis and fourth meal (HEY-O!)

Trades analyzed at a later time, I'm going home to get my skates to see if Dan Boyle was on to something.

Prospal Bolted, Richards Is A Star

TSN is reporting that Lightning forward Vaclav Prospal has been traded to the Philadelphia Flyers for Alexandre Picard and a conditional pick. My sources tell me that the conditional pick is a second rounder if the Flyers make the Eastern Conference Finals, or a third if they fall short.

Yahoo sports are reporting that the Dallas Stars are in the final negotiations to bring Lightning forward Brad Richards to Dallas for a Halpern/Fisdric/Smith package. Halpern being the aging forward, Smith the backup goaltender with 44 games NHL experience, and Fisdrick the guy with a name that sounds like that guy from “The Princess Bride”.

Analysis of both trades (Richards trade is still uncertain) to be posted shortly. I expect comments posted praising me for skipping all the Jean Luc Picard Star Trek: TNG MS paint low brow humor that you know I really wanted to post here, but knew it was too easy.

Hockey Blog Not Posting About Mats Sundin

I’m not feeling too good today. I feel achy all over my body, coughing, dizzy, nauseous, and tired all the time. These may sound like symptoms of watching Brad Lukowich play defense, but no, I blame this squarely on my co-workers with whom I share office air. This is the major reason for my laconic blog update.

Richard Zednik is all out of the hospital, as evidenced by this picture that has him standing with his wife and the surgeon that performed the life-saving operation.

Thank goodness the absolute hotness of Zednik’s wife was sandwiched between the two uggos of him and the doctor; otherwise your optical nerve would probably have wound itself up into a spring and popped your eyeballs out allowing them to bob up and down precariously.

Forsberg likely won't return this year

Bob McKenzie

2/18/2008 3:38:26 PM

"Peter Forsberg is not coming back to the NHL this season.

Or at least it's highly unlikely, according to his agent, Don Baizley.

'The prospect of Peter having enough confidence in the foot-skate issue to commit to being able to play in the NHL this season isn't where it needs to be at this moment," Baizley told TSN. "As a result, teams are being told it is unlikely he will be able to commit to return to the NHL this season.'

That's the message Baizley has been passing along to the NHL teams that were still in the running for the services of the unrestricted free agent centre. Effectivley, he's saying to make other plans because Forsberg is having enough issues with his foot that he's not prepared to commit to signing a contract."

Full story here

I guess crocs don't have enough ankle support? Well, this certainly does put a hamper on certain GM's trade deadline priorities.

Hey Detroit, we have this Jan Hlavac...

Vinny Prospal Interview

That New Trade Smell...

The Ottawa Senators added gritty scoring, physical defensive-zone play, and an unabashedly awful playoff afro to their lineup Monday, picking up left-winger Cory Stillman and defenseman Mike Commodore from Carolina. Trading, in return Forward Patrick Eaves and Defenseman Joe Corvo. And if this trade is the bellwether of the trade deadline for Southeast teams, prepare for a fire sale.

Corvo was quoted as saying he would like to go somewhere that he won't be noticed. Well, as long as he is able to refrain from donning flame-retardant jumpsuits, and jumping into out-of-date domestic sedans running at over 180MPH on a grease-spotted circle track, that should be no problem in Carolina. Why, by just adopting the act of taking his sister as a wife would mean he could walk down the streets of Raleigh-Durham uncontested for an innocuous mid-afternoon Best Buy bargain-bin DVD spelunking.

Patrick Eaves is apparently made from Pyrex and I have no opinion of him, other than to say that he just might be more durable than Cole, which is nice.

Cory Stillman, the ex-lightning player whom, in what I can only explain as some sort of pact with Satan, has been involved in winning two of the last three Stanley Cups. The first, with Tampa, can be attributed to his Remora-like attachment to one Vincent Lecavalier. In which, he was able to get 25 goals and 55 assists on the way to winning the Stanley Cup in 2004. The second, with the Hurricanes, was largely considered unwatchable by most hockey pundits. However, somebody told me Carolina won, and that Cory Stillman was involved to some extent.

Commodore, oddly enough, is also tied to the Lightning as he was on the Calgary Flames squad that attempted to unseat God's team (the 2004 Stanley Cup Champs Tampa Bay Lightning) that was ultimately embarrassed and was presumed to have taken a hockey sabbatical. Some might argue the facts I've posted here, but to them I say this: "The West coast isn't real and acknowledging their existance is something that I as a true hockey fan, and as a man, just cannot with a good conscience let happen."

Commodore and Stillman are scheduled to become unrestricted free agents on July. This leaves open the door for both of them to rejoin the dotage party in Carolina after the season is over, presumably so that they can stand next to Glenn Wesley to feel young again. Carolina Hurricanes GM Jim Rutherford probably thinks he can sign Commodore and/or Stillman after they become unrestricted free agents, which would mean they just got Eaves for nothing. Either that or he never thought they were going to resign with Carolina anyway, in which case they again - just got Eaves for free. Eaves will be a restricted free agent at the end of this season, while Corvo has two years remaining on his contract, paying him $2.75 million per year but with a salary cap hit of $2.625 million.

But why listen to me? What are my credentials? Well, as you can see, I have a circa-2001 Myspace-esque ice background image. Yesiree, I’d wager that I am one Vincent Lecavalier glitter image away from sitting in the press box during games.

"No Blood For Boyle"

The blogs lately have been burning up with speculation about the Lightning. TBO has suggested a fire sale, with everyone not a “Big Three” available for dumping. Including Boyle, Prospal, and Lukowich. The latter, not so much, more wishful thinking on my part. So what about my thoughts? What does lolsouthernhockey have to say about this? Do I have to type out “lolsouthernhockey” every time I reference my blog? What acronym would best describe this site? LSouthH? LOLSH? LSH?

Well, we here at LOLSH realize that you want the very best in self-deprecating, ribald, self-taught sports journalism. Especially since the trade deadline is mere weeks away, up-to-the-minute reporting just isn’t going to cut it anymore. You need instantaneous gratification in this world of text messaging, On-demand cable movies, and Japanese “massage” parlors. Last year, in between writing my usual hockey bon mots, this very neckbeard broke the Jason Ward trade hours before TSN and local media could get past talking about the Buccaneers. This year, my collusion and I GUARANTEE to break all Tampa Bay Lightning news, and Jay Feaster dithering, HOURS before the major sports outlets. We are so confident in our ken of the trade scene that if we don’t break the news to you first, we will PERSONALLY pre-date our post to make it appear as if we did.

Click here to reset your router

As you may have surmised from reading this blog, or just the cursory glance you have just given it, this blog is not one to update after each game with a thorough analysis or brilliant observations. It’s not one to update after every minor roster change, or player achievement. It’s not one to write about player’s personal lives, or other NHL (non-Lightning) news. And it’s definitely not one to win the internet Pulitzer for opening paragraphs.

So what is this blog about? It’s my pièce de résistance of the internet, my home page (ha-ha, adsense - I need the hits) and my undoubtedly ephemeral foray into Internet journalism and mudslinging (the latter of which has decreased significantly ever since I have been unable to revile Tim Taylor.) Also, it’s my avenue of release for my highfalutin lexicon. Anyway, why so many questions about my blog? Feeling like a big man? Does your sports blog receive quarterly awards and industry accolades? I doubt it. Does your sports blog have monthly updates that not only amuse me, but also are read daily by my mother? Certainly not, better luck next time.

The important thing is you’re here, and you made it to the third paragraph. And that can only mean one thing, your internet is down. Well, read my past posts as you frantically reset your router, and simultaneously listen to the “Air Supply” on hold music for your internet provider’s technical support.

Big Plans

I changed the background of the blog last week to a slightly more Lightning themed blue. This is in celebration of me learning how to do this. I seriously know nothing about HTML, CSS and bathing, and therefore have let this site look pretty bad since its inception last year. And I’d like to blame that for the somnolent feeling people get when they visit. Then, I plan on MS Painting this site right into haute couture with some banners, logos and pucks or something.

Oh yes, big plans indeed.

The Big Three

The big three. It sounds more like a pizza deal. Unfortunately, this is too far from the truth. As tasty cheese and dough concoctions these are not. Furthermore, some would say this is definitely not a deal. They would say that, having all our money tied up into three players is what has killed the Lightning for the past two seasons (well, that and the Senators/Devils.) I’ve even heard it called the BIG FOUR with Prospal’s name thrown in there, with the possibility of him being moved tossed around. Now, you add Boyle and maybe it’s the big five, or is it the fab five? I don’t know, I was born in 1980. But I do know that Danny Boyle’s in a contract year, which places extreme pressure on Jay Feaster, who probably wishes I was still talking about pizza.

All I can do is pontificate that the Lightning were fairly happy with showcasing Boyle around the league this year, and shipping him off for a goaltender/bag of pucks/holiday popcorn tin. This was, of course, complicated when Boyle pulled a Ritchie Tennenbaum at the beginning of the year. This was further complicated when he was rushed back into the lineup (further cementing my “showcasing Boyle” idea) and re-injured his wrist. I know what you know, faithful readers, and probably even less since my memory synapses haven’t been the same since the taser incident.

Furthermore, we don’t even really know the Lightning’s financial situation. Most people erroneously consider the Lightning to be at the cap. Not true, although the Lightning have had a self-imposed cap. Earlier, the sale of the Lightning fell through, but now there is talk that one of the perspective buyers is putting together a proposal to purchase the Lightning independently of the other parties. Will the new owner keep the self-imposed salary cap? Will there be a new owner? Something stinks fellow Lightning fans. Do you smell that too? Kinda smells like burning...Wait a minute, that’s not NHL club roster financial mediocrity that smells; it’s…Oh no! My German chocolate cake!!!

Under the current NHL salary cap, the Lightning could conceivably sign both Dan Boyle, re-sign Vinny next year, and be under the NHL cap. Nevertheless, is that the right thing to do? Those of you who know me (hi mom) and are familiar with my “I would open mouth kiss Vincent Lecavalier” policy know my position on signing Lecavalier (P.S. The policy, in case you don’t get it, is that I would like him signed.) However, we’ve gone through two seasons of early first round playoff exits, allowed the Thrasher to win the SED last year, and there have been no changes. Including my pre-game bagel bites ritual (they’re so tasty!)

Not that I necessarily blame the front office. They need goaltending, but there really is no upgrade on the market right now. There WAS Bryzgalov, but we must assume that Feaster’s hands were tied by the sale of the team. Either that, or he was distracted by a bright light. Either way, that ship has sailed, and I’m sure Gretzky’s happy with his services and will be resigning him at the end of the year.

So what must be done? I don’t know why I’m asking you, as no one ever comments on my blogging, for shame!