Tuesday, February 26, 2008

Introducing Mike Smith, Your New Starting Goalie

Breaking News: Jan Hlavac to Nashville for a Seventh Round Pick.

From RDS: Analysis to follow.

Smith, Jokinen and Halpern for Richards and an Alleged Goaltender

Forget the other two names, people. Halpern is an older Gratton, and we traded for the wrong Jokinen. This trade was all about Mike Smith. Jay Feaster obviously likes this guy, but he also liked Marc Denis and fourth meal (HEY-O!)

Trades analyzed at a later time, I'm going home to get my skates to see if Dan Boyle was on to something.

Prospal Bolted, Richards Is A Star

TSN is reporting that Lightning forward Vaclav Prospal has been traded to the Philadelphia Flyers for Alexandre Picard and a conditional pick. My sources tell me that the conditional pick is a second rounder if the Flyers make the Eastern Conference Finals, or a third if they fall short.

Yahoo sports are reporting that the Dallas Stars are in the final negotiations to bring Lightning forward Brad Richards to Dallas for a Halpern/Fisdric/Smith package. Halpern being the aging forward, Smith the backup goaltender with 44 games NHL experience, and Fisdrick the guy with a name that sounds like that guy from “The Princess Bride”.

Analysis of both trades (Richards trade is still uncertain) to be posted shortly. I expect comments posted praising me for skipping all the Jean Luc Picard Star Trek: TNG MS paint low brow humor that you know I really wanted to post here, but knew it was too easy.

Friday, February 22, 2008

Hockey Blog Not Posting About Mats Sundin

I’m not feeling too good today. I feel achy all over my body, coughing, dizzy, nauseous, and tired all the time. These may sound like symptoms of watching Brad Lukowich play defense, but no, I blame this squarely on my co-workers with whom I share office air. This is the major reason for my laconic blog update.

Richard Zednik is all out of the hospital, as evidenced by this picture that has him standing with his wife and the surgeon that performed the life-saving operation.




Thank goodness the absolute hotness of Zednik’s wife was sandwiched between the two uggos of him and the doctor; otherwise your optical nerve would probably have wound itself up into a spring and popped your eyeballs out allowing them to bob up and down precariously.

Monday, February 18, 2008

Forsberg likely won't return this year

Bob McKenzie

2/18/2008 3:38:26 PM

"Peter Forsberg is not coming back to the NHL this season.

Or at least it's highly unlikely, according to his agent, Don Baizley.

'The prospect of Peter having enough confidence in the foot-skate issue to commit to being able to play in the NHL this season isn't where it needs to be at this moment," Baizley told TSN. "As a result, teams are being told it is unlikely he will be able to commit to return to the NHL this season.'

That's the message Baizley has been passing along to the NHL teams that were still in the running for the services of the unrestricted free agent centre. Effectivley, he's saying to make other plans because Forsberg is having enough issues with his foot that he's not prepared to commit to signing a contract."


Full story here



I guess crocs don't have enough ankle support? Well, this certainly does put a hamper on certain GM's trade deadline priorities.

Hey Detroit, we have this Jan Hlavac...

Wednesday, February 13, 2008

Tuesday, February 12, 2008

That New Trade Smell...

The Ottawa Senators added gritty scoring, physical defensive-zone play, and an unabashedly awful playoff afro to their lineup Monday, picking up left-winger Cory Stillman and defenseman Mike Commodore from Carolina. Trading, in return Forward Patrick Eaves and Defenseman Joe Corvo. And if this trade is the bellwether of the trade deadline for Southeast teams, prepare for a fire sale.

Corvo was quoted as saying he would like to go somewhere that he won't be noticed. Well, as long as he is able to refrain from donning flame-retardant jumpsuits, and jumping into out-of-date domestic sedans running at over 180MPH on a grease-spotted circle track, that should be no problem in Carolina. Why, by just adopting the act of taking his sister as a wife would mean he could walk down the streets of Raleigh-Durham uncontested for an innocuous mid-afternoon Best Buy bargain-bin DVD spelunking.

Patrick Eaves is apparently made from Pyrex and I have no opinion of him, other than to say that he just might be more durable than Cole, which is nice.

Cory Stillman, the ex-lightning player whom, in what I can only explain as some sort of pact with Satan, has been involved in winning two of the last three Stanley Cups. The first, with Tampa, can be attributed to his Remora-like attachment to one Vincent Lecavalier. In which, he was able to get 25 goals and 55 assists on the way to winning the Stanley Cup in 2004. The second, with the Hurricanes, was largely considered unwatchable by most hockey pundits. However, somebody told me Carolina won, and that Cory Stillman was involved to some extent.

Commodore, oddly enough, is also tied to the Lightning as he was on the Calgary Flames squad that attempted to unseat God's team (the 2004 Stanley Cup Champs Tampa Bay Lightning) that was ultimately embarrassed and was presumed to have taken a hockey sabbatical. Some might argue the facts I've posted here, but to them I say this: "The West coast isn't real and acknowledging their existance is something that I as a true hockey fan, and as a man, just cannot with a good conscience let happen."

Commodore and Stillman are scheduled to become unrestricted free agents on July. This leaves open the door for both of them to rejoin the dotage party in Carolina after the season is over, presumably so that they can stand next to Glenn Wesley to feel young again. Carolina Hurricanes GM Jim Rutherford probably thinks he can sign Commodore and/or Stillman after they become unrestricted free agents, which would mean they just got Eaves for nothing. Either that or he never thought they were going to resign with Carolina anyway, in which case they again - just got Eaves for free. Eaves will be a restricted free agent at the end of this season, while Corvo has two years remaining on his contract, paying him $2.75 million per year but with a salary cap hit of $2.625 million.

But why listen to me? What are my credentials? Well, as you can see, I have a circa-2001 Myspace-esque ice background image. Yesiree, I’d wager that I am one Vincent Lecavalier glitter image away from sitting in the press box during games.

Wednesday, February 6, 2008

"No Blood For Boyle"

The blogs lately have been burning up with speculation about the Lightning. TBO has suggested a fire sale, with everyone not a “Big Three” available for dumping. Including Boyle, Prospal, and Lukowich. The latter, not so much, more wishful thinking on my part. So what about my thoughts? What does lolsouthernhockey have to say about this? Do I have to type out “lolsouthernhockey” every time I reference my blog? What acronym would best describe this site? LSouthH? LOLSH? LSH?

Well, we here at LOLSH realize that you want the very best in self-deprecating, ribald, self-taught sports journalism. Especially since the trade deadline is mere weeks away, up-to-the-minute reporting just isn’t going to cut it anymore. You need instantaneous gratification in this world of text messaging, On-demand cable movies, and Japanese “massage” parlors. Last year, in between writing my usual hockey bon mots, this very neckbeard broke the Jason Ward trade hours before TSN and local media could get past talking about the Buccaneers. This year, my collusion and I GUARANTEE to break all Tampa Bay Lightning news, and Jay Feaster dithering, HOURS before the major sports outlets. We are so confident in our ken of the trade scene that if we don’t break the news to you first, we will PERSONALLY pre-date our post to make it appear as if we did.

Friday, February 1, 2008

Click here to reset your router

As you may have surmised from reading this blog, or just the cursory glance you have just given it, this blog is not one to update after each game with a thorough analysis or brilliant observations. It’s not one to update after every minor roster change, or player achievement. It’s not one to write about player’s personal lives, or other NHL (non-Lightning) news. And it’s definitely not one to win the internet Pulitzer for opening paragraphs.

So what is this blog about? It’s my pièce de résistance of the internet, my home page (ha-ha, adsense - I need the hits) and my undoubtedly ephemeral foray into Internet journalism and mudslinging (the latter of which has decreased significantly ever since I have been unable to revile Tim Taylor.) Also, it’s my avenue of release for my highfalutin lexicon. Anyway, why so many questions about my blog? Feeling like a big man? Does your sports blog receive quarterly awards and industry accolades? I doubt it. Does your sports blog have monthly updates that not only amuse me, but also are read daily by my mother? Certainly not, better luck next time.

The important thing is you’re here, and you made it to the third paragraph. And that can only mean one thing, your internet is down. Well, read my past posts as you frantically reset your router, and simultaneously listen to the “Air Supply” on hold music for your internet provider’s technical support.