Lightning Southern Hockey Update

End of Regular Season Report Cards

2008-04-08T16:08:00.002-04:00

Vincent Lecavalier C (81GP 40G 52A 92PTS -17) – A

Now that I look back at it, it was obvious that he was injured the last half of the season. I didn’t really find out that he was playing with an injured wrist until after the trade deadline, but until January or so he was on pace to obliterate last years point totals, and on his way to obtaining more hardware for his mantle (no one has these in Florida) in way of the Art Ross (which would’ve looked great next to his Richard trophy.)

Martin St. Louis RW (82GP 25G 58A 83PTS -23) – B+

Statistically a down year for Mr. Marty, but he really flew out there, as always. If you believe in luck, and aren’t afraid to blame it for all your shortcomings, as I do, then you would know that St Louis had tremendously bad luck this year. He hit two posts in the Pittsburgh game I saw, consecutively. His shot is still outstanding, and he still can hold onto a puck in the corner when an opposing player almost three times his size is draped all over him. He’s a marvel, and he signed my jersey.

Jeff Halpern C (83GP 20G 22A 42PTS 0) – A

I’ll be the first to admit when I was wrong, mostly to beat others to the punch. I thought Halpern was a washed-up has-been. Finding out that we shipped Brad Richards off for Halpern in his shrinking dotage, the worst Jokinen in the league, and a goalie was quite upsetting. But seeing as how he led all trade deadline acquisitions in points, and most notably goals, I have to concede defeat. Especially after seeing Brad Richards point totals.

Jussi Jokinen LW (72GP 16G 26A 42PTS -14) – B

Fairly happy with “Juicy” as well. He also has put nice numbers, and although I really don’t consider him a top line forward, he makes some nice plays. Good acquisition and I sincerely hope he ends up playing on a second line next year with Stamkos.

Michel Ouellet RW (64GP 17G 19A 36PTS 11) – C

Ol’ “Mango Salsa’s” 17 goals may on the outside seem low, but then you have to remember he was injured for 18 games, and he was here to replace Ruslan Fedotenko’s 12 goals and 20 assists. Ouellet started out slow, but really seemed to pick up steam after the trade deadline saw his line mate Brad Richards traded to the Stars. Chemistry or not, he really started putting pucks in the net, and if he can keep it up next year, he will easily break 20. (wow)

Mathieu Darche LW (73GP 7G 15A 22PTS -14) – D

Career AHLer Mathieu Darche will have a heavy heart next season. Not because the little guy isn’t getting enough exercise, Darche is one of the hardest working guys on the team. But he’s just not talented enough for the NHL, which is sad, considering he made our second line. If this poll was rated on a curve, as to how the players did as compared to what tools they had available, Darche would have got an “A”. Instead, he gets a “D” and an atta boy, and a ticket back to Norfolk.

Andre Roy RW (63GP 4G 3A 7PTS -1) – F

In my humble opinion, a human waste of space. Takes bad penalties, is very little threat to score, gets knocked out by one punch in Philly of all places, and is the protagonist of the very lame “WE WANT ROY” chant that the locals seem to yell at the end of every game. But I guess he lights his farts on fire in the locker room, or something, and the players love him.

Chris Gratton C (60GP 10G 11A 21PTS -7) – D

Injured for most of the season, Chris Gratton was brought in to win face-offs late in the game on a checking line, and pot the occasional goal. Which he was doing, up until he was injured.

Shane O'Brien D (77GP 4G 17A 21PTS -2) – C

I’m the #1 SOB apologist, but I’d like to see him play more physical. Apparently so would other people, as he was a healthy scratch for the last couple of games in the season.

Jason Ward RW (79GP 8G 6A 14PTS -18) – D

This guy was an 11^th overall pick, this is why I’m glad the Lightning got the first overall pick. Torts summed it up: "He's playing himself right off the team, as far as I'm concerned, with some of the decision-making he's been making."

Craig MacDonald C (65GP 2G 9A 11PTS -10) – D

Biggest claim to fame was both times he was busted up. Once, while playing the Leafs, he took a slapshot to the face from defenseman Hal Gill that fractured nine of MacDonald's teeth, took around 80 stitches to close wounds to his mouth, and three root canals the following morning. The second came from a hit from Rangers Defenseman Fedor Tyutin which sent MacDonald’s gloves flying, and Tyutin straight into a McGuire's Monsters segment.

Nick Tarnasky C (80GP 6G 4A 10PTS -15) – D

Unfair grade, really. He’s a nice role player.

Brad Lukowich D (59GP 1G 6A 7PTS -15) – F

Played “Rock Band” in the restaurant below the St. Pete Times Forum for fan appreciation week while the big boys played their remaining games. Rock Band.

Dan Boyle D (37GP 4G 21A 25PTS -29) – C-

Although he is enemy #1 on the HF Boards, and sometimes his “defense” offends my delicate sensibilities, Dan Boyle IS the Tampa Bay Lightning. He never really has been a shutdown defender, but his outlet passes spring Vinny and Marty, and that’s why they pay him 6.6 a year. This team hurt without him, and we’re better for retaining him.

Filip Kuba D (75GP 6G 25A 31PTS -8) – C

Absolutely must be traded this offseason. Please.

Paul Ranger D (72GP 10G 21A 31PTS -13) – C

Much better than last year, hopefully he continues to improve.

Mike Lundin D (81GP 0G 6A 6PTS 3) – C

Perennial season long overachiever Mike Lundin won a spot on the Lightning Defense by making smart plays and that’s it.

Alexandre Picard D (24GP 3G 3A 6PTS -12) – B

Would’ve got an “A” had I been able to make some badass joke about his last name leading to a catchphrase, T-shirt, image macro or all of the above. Hate to hold it against the kid, because he took Ranger’s spot as #2 Defenseman when he went down with a shoulder injury.

Doug Janik D (61GP 1G 3A 4PTS -3) – D

He's, well, Doug Janik.

Andreas Karlsson C (58GP 2G 2A 4PTS -7) – D

I saw him score a goal once in Boston. Which is nice.

Ryan Craig C (7GP 1G 1A 2PTS -1) – F

KNEES

Blair Jones C (4GP 0G 0A 0PTS 0) – Undetermined

Pretty sure he banged Tortorella’s daughter or something. One of our best forward prospects, and was overlooked when Tortorella decided to instead move Doug Janik onto a forward line. Once had a total of 9 seconds of ice time in a game. Don’t poke the bear, kid.

Matt Smaby D (14GP 0G 0A 0PTS -6) – B

Smaby was supposed to make the team last year, and then he was a shoo-in for this year’s squad, yet he still lost out to then unknown Mike Lundin. Smaby had his chances with Boyle committing the Ritchie Tennenbaum, but he never made a mark, especially on the other team. He was lambasted for his lack of physical play, and sent down to the AHL for the season. He was recalled and played much better, I expect him to start next year.

Karl Stewart LW (9GP 0G 0A 0PTS -2) – F

BIG trade deadline pickup last year, described as a “cannonball” by Feaster.

Feaster is dumb.

Jay Leach D (2GP 0G 0A 0PTS -1) – Undetermined

Junior Lessard RW (21GP 1G 1A 2PTS -6) – Undetermined

Kyle Wanvig RW (7GP 1G 0A 1PTS -1) – Undetermined

Mike Smith G (34GP 2.59GAA 15W 19L .901PCT 3SO) – B

Benefit of the doubt lands him a “B”. I want to see him play a full season.

Karri Ramo G (22GP 3.03GAA 7W 11L .899PCT 0SO) – B

At 21, he may just get sent back to the AHL, but his play as of late would garner him a spot on the team.

Marc Denis G (10GP 4.05GAA 1W 5L .859PCT 0SO) – LOL

Should’ve been wearing a mask when he signed that contract. Sometimes I like to sit at my desk and imagine he actually died, this is one of those times.

The Strive for 5 ...0

2008-03-21T09:37:00.001-04:00

With Vincent's 40th goal last night in a all-too-familiar third period collapse, the season goals for this Lightning fan have certainly changed. While, at the beginning, the goal was getting past the first round of the playoffs, something we hadn't accomplished since the Stanley Cup run of 2004-05. Now it seems that with the playoffs a distant memory, the focus has shifted in my mind to Lecavalier's personal achievements, and draft picks.

As of today, Vinny has 40 goals, with nine games remaining. While the team sits at 66 points this season, with the LA Kings sitting at a league worst 64 points and one less game remaining.

"Pronger Stomps on Kesler, Bettman Dismisses Case on Account of 'Prongers will be Prongers.'"

2008-03-13T14:52:00.004-04:00

No NHL discipline for Pronger's stomp

See the video here, Oh please, I'm so excited!

TSN.ca Staff

3/13/2008 2:08:25 PM

Anaheim Ducks defenceman Chris Pronger will not face any disciplinary action from the National Hockey League for stomping on Vancouver Canucks centre Ryan Kesler on Wednesday night.

The incident happened in the opening minute of the second period in Anaheim's zone after a dump in from the blue line by Canucks defenceman Sami Salo.

Kesler - one of two Canuck forwards who chased down the puck behind the goal line - collided with Pronger along the boards and fell, and the Ducks captain appeared to deliberately step on him. Kesler did not suffer any injuries from after the incident.

"He stomped on me," Kesler told reporters after the game. "He got me on the calf."
Related Info

It isn't the first time the former Norris and Hart Trophy winner has been involved in such incidents.

Pronger received a one-game suspension from the NHL last May for his hit on Detroit Red Wings forward Tomas Holmstrom in Game 3 of the Western Conference final, and was suspended for a game in June for hitting Ottawa's Dean McAmmond in the head with his forearm during the third period of the Senators' 5-3 win in Game 3 of the Stanley Cup final.

It also marks the second time this season that a player has stepped on an opponent while he was laying prone.

In December, New York Islanders forward Chris Simon received a 30-game suspension for trying to step on Pittsburgh forward Jarkko Ruutu's foot.

*Title courtesy of HPL

LOLSH Trade Deadline is Today

2008-03-12T15:00:00.010-04:00

With the NHL trade deadline come and gone, with our beloved Lightning shipping off Brad "Brad Richards" Richards to Dallas, it made me start thinking about all the players that could be leaving and where they could be going. And then I had a great idea for a new post for this here blog. It would be funny, clever, witty, and a pleasure to read.

Then, I realized this post was terrible so I deleted it, and stole a thread from the HF boards.

So, this is how the trade deadline would look like if players were shipped ot the teams they SHOULD be playing for:

Miroslav Satan has been traded to the
New Jersey Devils

Paul Ranger has been traded to the
New York Rangers

Martin St. Louis has been traded to the
St. Louis Blues

Dan Hinote has been traded to the
St. Louis Blues

Vincent Lecavalier has been traded to the
Buffalo Sabres

Patrick Sharp has been traded to the
Buffalo Sabres

Dustin Penner has been traded to the
Pittsburgh Penguins

Some others that came up in the thread:

Burns should be a flame
Park should be a Ranger
Hatcher should be a duck
Trent Hunter to the Mighty Ducks
Michael Nylander - Islanders
Cam Barker – Coyotes
Kris Beech – Sharks
Dallas Drake - Ducks
Hal Gill - Sharks
Dany Heatley - Flames
Collin White, Todd White and Garth Snow- Avalanche
Eric Brewer - Bruins
Fisher to Sharks
Milan Hejduk – Ducks
Marco Sturm – Hurricanes

And that’s all I can think of (copy and paste) but if I think of any more, I will probably add it into a comment that’s anonymous so it looks like I have readers.

2008-03-03T16:25:00.003-05:00

Introducing Mike Smith, Your New Starting Goalie

2008-02-26T22:11:00.003-05:00

Breaking News: Jan Hlavac to Nashville for a Seventh Round Pick.

2008-02-26T15:48:00.001-05:00

From RDS: Analysis to follow.

Smith, Jokinen and Halpern for Richards and an Alleged Goaltender

2008-02-26T12:36:00.000-05:00

Forget the other two names, people. Halpern is an older Gratton, and we traded for the wrong Jokinen. This trade was all about Mike Smith. Jay Feaster obviously likes this guy, but he also liked Marc Denis and fourth meal (HEY-O!)

Trades analyzed at a later time, I'm going home to get my skates to see if Dan Boyle was on to something.

Prospal Bolted, Richards Is A Star

2008-02-26T09:10:00.001-05:00

TSN is reporting that Lightning forward Vaclav Prospal has been traded to the Philadelphia Flyers for Alexandre Picard and a conditional pick. My sources tell me that the conditional pick is a second rounder if the Flyers make the Eastern Conference Finals, or a third if they fall short.

Yahoo sports are reporting that the Dallas Stars are in the final negotiations to bring Lightning forward Brad Richards to Dallas for a Halpern/Fisdric/Smith package. Halpern being the aging forward, Smith the backup goaltender with 44 games NHL experience, and Fisdrick the guy with a name that sounds like that guy from “The Princess Bride”.

Analysis of both trades (Richards trade is still uncertain) to be posted shortly. I expect comments posted praising me for skipping all the Jean Luc Picard Star Trek: TNG MS paint low brow humor that you know I really wanted to post here, but knew it was too easy.

Hockey Blog Not Posting About Mats Sundin

2008-02-22T16:58:00.005-05:00

I’m not feeling too good today. I feel achy all over my body, coughing, dizzy, nauseous, and tired all the time. These may sound like symptoms of watching Brad Lukowich play defense, but no, I blame this squarely on my co-workers with whom I share office air. This is the major reason for my laconic blog update.

Richard Zednik is all out of the hospital, as evidenced by this picture that has him standing with his wife and the surgeon that performed the life-saving operation.

Thank goodness the absolute hotness of Zednik’s wife was sandwiched between the two uggos of him and the doctor; otherwise your optical nerve would probably have wound itself up into a spring and popped your eyeballs out allowing them to bob up and down precariously.

Forsberg likely won't return this year

2008-02-18T16:57:00.012-05:00

Bob McKenzie

2/18/2008 3:38:26 PM

"Peter Forsberg is not coming back to the NHL this season.

Or at least it's highly unlikely, according to his agent, Don Baizley.

'The prospect of Peter having enough confidence in the foot-skate issue to commit to being able to play in the NHL this season isn't where it needs to be at this moment," Baizley told TSN. "As a result, teams are being told it is unlikely he will be able to commit to return to the NHL this season.'

That's the message Baizley has been passing along to the NHL teams that were still in the running for the services of the unrestricted free agent centre. Effectivley, he's saying to make other plans because Forsberg is having enough issues with his foot that he's not prepared to commit to signing a contract."

Full story here

I guess crocs don't have enough ankle support? Well, this certainly does put a hamper on certain GM's trade deadline priorities.

Hey Detroit, we have this Jan Hlavac...

Vinny Prospal Interview

2008-02-13T08:53:00.001-05:00

That New Trade Smell...

2008-02-12T16:38:00.000-05:00

The Ottawa Senators added gritty scoring, physical defensive-zone play, and an unabashedly awful playoff afro to their lineup Monday, picking up left-winger Cory Stillman and defenseman Mike Commodore from Carolina. Trading, in return Forward Patrick Eaves and Defenseman Joe Corvo. And if this trade is the bellwether of the trade deadline for Southeast teams, prepare for a fire sale.

Corvo was quoted as saying he would like to go somewhere that he won't be noticed. Well, as long as he is able to refrain from donning flame-retardant jumpsuits, and jumping into out-of-date domestic sedans running at over 180MPH on a grease-spotted circle track, that should be no problem in Carolina. Why, by just adopting the act of taking his sister as a wife would mean he could walk down the streets of Raleigh-Durham uncontested for an innocuous mid-afternoon Best Buy bargain-bin DVD spelunking.

Patrick Eaves is apparently made from Pyrex and I have no opinion of him, other than to say that he just might be more durable than Cole, which is nice.

Cory Stillman, the ex-lightning player whom, in what I can only explain as some sort of pact with Satan, has been involved in winning two of the last three Stanley Cups. The first, with Tampa, can be attributed to his Remora-like attachment to one Vincent Lecavalier. In which, he was able to get 25 goals and 55 assists on the way to winning the Stanley Cup in 2004. The second, with the Hurricanes, was largely considered unwatchable by most hockey pundits. However, somebody told me Carolina won, and that Cory Stillman was involved to some extent.

Commodore, oddly enough, is also tied to the Lightning as he was on the Calgary Flames squad that attempted to unseat God's team (the 2004 Stanley Cup Champs Tampa Bay Lightning) that was ultimately embarrassed and was presumed to have taken a hockey sabbatical. Some might argue the facts I've posted here, but to them I say this: "The West coast isn't real and acknowledging their existance is something that I as a true hockey fan, and as a man, just cannot with a good conscience let happen."

Commodore and Stillman are scheduled to become unrestricted free agents on July. This leaves open the door for both of them to rejoin the dotage party in Carolina after the season is over, presumably so that they can stand next to Glenn Wesley to feel young again. Carolina Hurricanes GM Jim Rutherford probably thinks he can sign Commodore and/or Stillman after they become unrestricted free agents, which would mean they just got Eaves for nothing. Either that or he never thought they were going to resign with Carolina anyway, in which case they again - just got Eaves for free. Eaves will be a restricted free agent at the end of this season, while Corvo has two years remaining on his contract, paying him $2.75 million per year but with a salary cap hit of $2.625 million.

But why listen to me? What are my credentials? Well, as you can see, I have a circa-2001 Myspace-esque ice background image. Yesiree, I’d wager that I am one Vincent Lecavalier glitter image away from sitting in the press box during games.

"No Blood For Boyle"

2008-02-06T13:09:00.000-05:00

The blogs lately have been burning up with speculation about the Lightning. TBO has suggested a fire sale, with everyone not a “Big Three” available for dumping. Including Boyle, Prospal, and Lukowich. The latter, not so much, more wishful thinking on my part. So what about my thoughts? What does lolsouthernhockey have to say about this? Do I have to type out “lolsouthernhockey” every time I reference my blog? What acronym would best describe this site? LSouthH? LOLSH? LSH?

Well, we here at LOLSH realize that you want the very best in self-deprecating, ribald, self-taught sports journalism. Especially since the trade deadline is mere weeks away, up-to-the-minute reporting just isn’t going to cut it anymore. You need instantaneous gratification in this world of text messaging, On-demand cable movies, and Japanese “massage” parlors. Last year, in between writing my usual hockey bon mots, this very neckbeard broke the Jason Ward trade hours before TSN and local media could get past talking about the Buccaneers. This year, my collusion and I GUARANTEE to break all Tampa Bay Lightning news, and Jay Feaster dithering, HOURS before the major sports outlets. We are so confident in our ken of the trade scene that if we don’t break the news to you first, we will PERSONALLY pre-date our post to make it appear as if we did.

Click here to reset your router

2008-02-01T15:08:00.000-05:00

As you may have surmised from reading this blog, or just the cursory glance you have just given it, this blog is not one to update after each game with a thorough analysis or brilliant observations. It’s not one to update after every minor roster change, or player achievement. It’s not one to write about player’s personal lives, or other NHL (non-Lightning) news. And it’s definitely not one to win the internet Pulitzer for opening paragraphs.

So what is this blog about? It’s my pièce de résistance of the internet, my home page (ha-ha, adsense - I need the hits) and my undoubtedly ephemeral foray into Internet journalism and mudslinging (the latter of which has decreased significantly ever since I have been unable to revile Tim Taylor.) Also, it’s my avenue of release for my highfalutin lexicon. Anyway, why so many questions about my blog? Feeling like a big man? Does your sports blog receive quarterly awards and industry accolades? I doubt it. Does your sports blog have monthly updates that not only amuse me, but also are read daily by my mother? Certainly not, better luck next time.

The important thing is you’re here, and you made it to the third paragraph. And that can only mean one thing, your internet is down. Well, read my past posts as you frantically reset your router, and simultaneously listen to the “Air Supply” on hold music for your internet provider’s technical support.

Big Plans

2008-01-30T14:00:00.000-05:00

I changed the background of the blog last week to a slightly more Lightning themed blue. This is in celebration of me learning how to do this. I seriously know nothing about HTML, CSS and bathing, and therefore have let this site look pretty bad since its inception last year. And I’d like to blame that for the somnolent feeling people get when they visit. Then, I plan on MS Painting this site right into haute couture with some banners, logos and pucks or something.

Oh yes, big plans indeed.

The Big Three

2008-01-16T12:05:00.000-05:00

The big three. It sounds more like a pizza deal. Unfortunately, this is too far from the truth. As tasty cheese and dough concoctions these are not. Furthermore, some would say this is definitely not a deal. They would say that, having all our money tied up into three players is what has killed the Lightning for the past two seasons (well, that and the Senators/Devils.) I’ve even heard it called the BIG FOUR with Prospal’s name thrown in there, with the possibility of him being moved tossed around. Now, you add Boyle and maybe it’s the big five, or is it the fab five? I don’t know, I was born in 1980. But I do know that Danny Boyle’s in a contract year, which places extreme pressure on Jay Feaster, who probably wishes I was still talking about pizza.

All I can do is pontificate that the Lightning were fairly happy with showcasing Boyle around the league this year, and shipping him off for a goaltender/bag of pucks/holiday popcorn tin. This was, of course, complicated when Boyle pulled a Ritchie Tennenbaum at the beginning of the year. This was further complicated when he was rushed back into the lineup (further cementing my “showcasing Boyle” idea) and re-injured his wrist. I know what you know, faithful readers, and probably even less since my memory synapses haven’t been the same since the taser incident.

Furthermore, we don’t even really know the Lightning’s financial situation. Most people erroneously consider the Lightning to be at the cap. Not true, although the Lightning have had a self-imposed cap. Earlier, the sale of the Lightning fell through, but now there is talk that one of the perspective buyers is putting together a proposal to purchase the Lightning independently of the other parties. Will the new owner keep the self-imposed salary cap? Will there be a new owner? Something stinks fellow Lightning fans. Do you smell that too? Kinda smells like burning...Wait a minute, that’s not NHL club roster financial mediocrity that smells; it’s…Oh no! My German chocolate cake!!!

Under the current NHL salary cap, the Lightning could conceivably sign both Dan Boyle, re-sign Vinny next year, and be under the NHL cap. Nevertheless, is that the right thing to do? Those of you who know me (hi mom) and are familiar with my “I would open mouth kiss Vincent Lecavalier” policy know my position on signing Lecavalier (P.S. The policy, in case you don’t get it, is that I would like him signed.) However, we’ve gone through two seasons of early first round playoff exits, allowed the Thrasher to win the SED last year, and there have been no changes. Including my pre-game bagel bites ritual (they’re so tasty!)

Not that I necessarily blame the front office. They need goaltending, but there really is no upgrade on the market right now. There WAS Bryzgalov, but we must assume that Feaster’s hands were tied by the sale of the team. Either that, or he was distracted by a bright light. Either way, that ship has sailed, and I’m sure Gretzky’s happy with his services and will be resigning him at the end of the year.

So what must be done? I don’t know why I’m asking you, as no one ever comments on my blogging, for shame!

Blog Update

2007-12-13T11:26:00.000-05:00

Apparantly October NEVER EVEN HAPPENED.

Seriously, don't bring it up. Ever. New rule: we don't talk about it, we go about our lives, 24/7/334. And maybe, at this time next year (11 months from now) we can talk about reinstituting a month somewhere in the September/November range.

Lightning News of the Week

2007-12-12T10:00:00.000-05:00

There has been a lot of talk about bloggers lately and what they offer a team. Well, we know what I offer them, I offer to do their laundry, and all I get is a call from the team attorneys and a restraining order that tells me I have to stay 200ft away from Lecavalier (good thing I can only afford nosebleeds!)

But seriously, with my own mix of envious “can do” attitude, “in your face” diatribe writing style, and “officer these cuffs are hurting me” behind-the-scenes of the player’s lives investigative reporting, you should be noticing an improvement in the Tampa Bay Lightning organization within the year. Pretty much if we make it past the first round of the playoffs this year it’s basically because of me.

“So if you’re so important and cute and smart and sexy why don’t you write more?” you would say if you were me writing what you would say. Well, Mr. perceptive, you try keeping a blog up to date, restoring your youthful vigor by sleeping in a hyperbolic chamber 12 hours a day, and telling other people how to live their lives even when they don’t ask for it; all the while satisfying your court-mandated community service. Then you can talk. But until then, I will continue to bring you the news that you didn’t even know that you didn’t want to know.

2007-11-15T14:32:00.001-05:00

Yay! A new post! This is what you just said. And it was aloud. How embarrassing! However, I must warn you; the update is low on content, humor, and as always - sodium glucose. This is par for the course, unfortunately. That’s because I put this little blog up all by my big-boy self and I only learned myself enough about HTML to write some non-sequiturs about the Lightning, and poke fun at Tim Taylor. Then I put my brain back on a constant diet of malted hops. Seriously, I made this website with the internet equivalent of a bunch of pipe cleaners, hot glue gun, cotton balls, and tongue depressors. It’s not pretty, but I think the most important thing about it is that you, the benefactor, realize the thought and creativity that goes into this, this home-made PRESENT I make for you.

Also, while writing this blog I have that intense look on my face that denotes literary genius, and/or multiple bran muffins. But, the pure truth of the matter is if I don’t come up with an idea for a story to blog within 1.6 seconds after starting the thinking process; my eyes glaze over and I begin thinking about swimming pools, kittens, and monster trucks. So, even though I have the look of a literary genius, delving into the depths of mind-blowing existential theory, really I’m just thinking about “grave digger” smashing some old cars with their windshields removed and radio antennas bent down.

But don’t worry dear reader/admirer/probation officer. I’m not done. As soon as I figure out how to make one of those cool, multi-colored, flashing banners with audio that embarrass you because now all your co-workers know you aren’t working; this blog will take off out of the blogosphere, and accelerate into blog speed, and blog blog blog.

Was this originally going somewhere? Was I trying to tell you something earlier? Are you even still reading? Yes? Am I going to keep answering my own questions? Yes.

2007-09-19T12:15:00.000-04:00

I forgot to wear a belt to work today. HOW DOES THAT EVEN HAPPEN?

State of the Blog

2007-09-14T09:50:00.000-04:00

So it’s been a week or so since my last post and the guilt has overridden my conscience. Thankfully, I wiped my prints off the tire iron. But what of this blog? The HTML coding is in abject squalor, the many Google ads littered around precariously go largely unclicked and have developed a despondent sense of self-worth, and my writing style is a Flesch-Kincaid third grade level.

Well, it’s been a tough year for me. My cordless mouse batteries died last week, and like anyone who has had a death recently, I have found it hard to get back into the daily grind (SYMPATHY HOME RUN). I have also been out of town for the past week or so. Wait, that’s not true. But you, the “blogee” didn’t know that. Fact is; there isn’t even any way for you to check up on that. You have little to no idea where I’ve been or what I’ve been doing. Although, the even money is that I am in my guest room bathed in the glow of multiple LCD monitors displaying Japanese animation, a cheeto-stained keyboard, and “Funyuns.” However, you wouldn’t even have the faintest notion that this was the case. Like Svengali, I could tell you anything, and you’d be forced to believe it. But no, I would never make such an egregious lie to you, my faithful reader. No, a man of my stature: Harvard law degree, naturally olive skin, and rock-hard pecs, would never lie with such malice to you.

I can only attribute such lethargy to a mixture of apathy, ennui, and the water-like weak coffees of the world (you know who you are). However, the main reason for my tardiness would, of course, be that it is the off season for just a week or so more. Like others in the extended Lightning organization, (yeah, I went there) I have been absolutely engulfed in my off-season training regime; hitting the weights to increase my typing speed. Meditating, and plagiarizing better blogs to increase wit and content. Finally, praying to increase readership.

But this blog isn’t about begging for regular readers, no that’s what the “late-night house call” campaign was about. (Ever heard of returning a phone call?) No, friends, this Blog is about the Tampa Bay Lightning, Googling our own name to check our criminal records, updates on my cynicism and raging bitterness, and the occasional bonus brownie recipe. With the season almost upon us, I am officially getting that deep-pitted feeling in my stomach. And this time, it’s not the Crohn’s disease. No, it’s the 2007 season, and it's everything; its infinite hope and love and promise and the whole world is spinning. Yes, it’s just like a week old burrito. It’s salubrious, and lugubrious at the same time. It’s an excuse to have a beer on a Wednesday, and skip that AA meeting. And finally, it’s ok to wear a hockey jersey as an adult (just don’t go outside. Seriously, they only look good with a color-matched hoodie underneath.)

Fudgy-Brownie Recipe:

INGREDIENTS:
8 - 1 ounce squares of unsweetened chocolate
1 cup butter
5 eggs
3 cups sugar
1 tablespoon vanilla
1-1/2 cups flour
1 teaspoon salt
2-1/2 cups chopped pecans or walnuts, toasted

PREPARATION:
preheat oven to 375 degrees. grease a 9 x 13 pan. melt chocolate and butter in a saucepan over low heat; set aside. in a mixer, beat eggs, sugar and vanilla at high speed for 10 minutes**. blend in chocolate mixture, flour and salt until just mixed.

stir in the nuts(lol). pour into prepared pan. bake for 35-40 minutes. (don't overbake.) cool and frost if desired, but that is not necessary.

** It's not required, but this is when it's very nice to own a stand mixer.

"Look, Very Soon I Can Actually Start Writing About Hockey Games, Hang In There" Report for 9/4/2007

2007-09-04T14:59:00.000-04:00

As the weeks dwindle by, and the days all meld into one sort of “super-day” in which I am perpetually going to work, I lament the last remaining days of summer with a glimmer in my eye like an old man recounting the days of his youth. Yet, on the horizon, just out of reach, is my “Rushmore” – Hockey season. With training camp mere weeks away, I have already begun the traditional “hockey season is back” hugs that generally last a little bit too long, and usually fill up the office complaint box within minutes. Although my questionable sexual orientation may be the inexplicable leitmotiv of this blog, I digress. The real reason for my salubrious attitude in the face of waning summer time activities is the start of the 2007 Tampa Bay Lightning season. And while winter-time brings with it a cold-gray reality, and an alabaster visage, we have the one thing that a new season brings that could never be swallowed up by the unfortunate vicissitudes of life: hope. Hope of a new season and a fresh start.

With that said, hope is not naïve. I don’t need a perfect season this year. 81-1 is cool. But I would like to see the second round of the playoffs this year, and maybe even a new division banner? Last year, Lecavalier turned my enjoyment of hockey from something that's borderline unhealthy to something that's completely unhealthy. While I really can’t expect him to lead the league in goals every year, I do expect him to at the very least break 50 again this year.

Will Doug MacLean continue to be the Machiavellian douche that got him run out of Columbus and Miami? Will they spend the money to get players at the trade deadline if and when we do require that? Will I fix my typos in this article before I post it? Unlikely.

Well, of one thing you can be sure, this blog, fueled mostly by caffeinated drinks and Centrum multi-vitamins, will be broadcast simultaneously to all three people I know on the internet and in 49 states (sorry Tennessee!) So I will stay on top of the ansgty melodrama that is sure to follow this team this season, and offer my unbiased (READ: I haven’t been bought, YET *Hint hint*) opinion and entertain those of you who meant to click on the link above mine. So read on, those of you with poor mouse skills, and keep checking this blog. I guarantee that you will die from the literary genius contained within*

*results not guaranteed.

What? Regular Updates? Why I Never...

2007-08-08T11:49:00.001-04:00

So little Marty St. Louis gets to wear the third "A" this season as Tim Taylor mends his hip bone and retains the "C". I like it. I for one, hate Tim Taylor. I hate his name. I hate his wrap arounds. I hate his dreamy eyes and legs that just won't quit. I hate this game worn jersey of his that I purchased and sleep in every night. But most of all, I hate that he reminds me of "Home Improvement". And while the thought of him wheelchair bound brings a smile to my face and a glimmer in my eye, I still relenquish the fact that he won't hang them up.

But now, Marty gets some attention with an "A". True fact: He is the smallest NHL player to get a letter since Theo Fleury got his "AA". HEY-O! Look, I'm not getting paid per joke here. And I didn't say it was a true fact.

Titillating Title

2007-08-08T11:45:00.000-04:00

Today, as I ambled into work and gave my customary mid-morning prayer for the ability to fly, I felt something was wrong. Very wrong. Then, I realized my zipper was down, and I had already been warned about this at work. But then, right after that, I noticed that something was different. Turns out my chair was set at a different height by the late night cleaning crew. So after sitting down, and flipping on the radio, my heart stopped – Justin Timberlake has a new song on, and it’s my new jam. And that’s pretty much how my day started out. Yup. Pretty typical, including the zipper down thing, which I am going to have to remedy with a safety pin.

Oh, and the Lightning were sold to a new ownership group.

Wait, What? Did you just ~~hear~~ read me right? That’s right. The bolts were sold for an undisclosed amount of money. And if I had taken any journalistic classes, I’d have known to include that fact in the first paragraph of this blog. But I didn’t, and neither did you. That fake Pulitzer isn’t fooling anyone.

“So what does this all mean?” My mom says to me when she reads my blog, as my ramblings seem to have no coherent value. Well, it means that the future of the Lightning is less clear than it was yesterday. Is this a good or a bad thing? Well, that is what we will have to wait and see. Or, instead we can speculate wildly. I chose the latter.

Situation A – This is a good thing:

This situation is very optimistic. The Lightning have had a very mediocre summer. They had no money to spend, and no substance past the first line and Brad Richards. Alternately, we’re not Buffalo so we got that going for us. With the general lack of movement for two off seasons in a row, it’s obvious to just about everyone that the Feaster has had his hands tied for some time now. This is bad, as first round playoff exits are only a dream if you’re in Toronto. So, now with a new ownership, maybe some moves can be made to elevate the team that everyone knows cannot be made better with the current farm system.

Situation B – This is a bad thing:

Bill Davidson may look like the crypt keeper from “Tales from the Dark Side,” and he may be located in Detroit, but he did own a team that won the cup. He may not have given us the maximum cap, but he did let us sign several high-end free agents over his tenure. And he may or may not smell like moth balls, but he did fly down here once, seriously I saw him on T.V. What have these new guys done? Nothing that’s what. And they may continue doing nothing right up until they; move the team, escalate ticket prices, and punch pregnant mothers in the stomach.

Situation C – Status Quo, let’s go get a sandwich:

This is the “it doesn’t matter who owns the kiddies, they have no money and there are no talented goalies/forwards/capable defenseman on the market anyway. Let’s plan a trip to Montreal in Mid-April to visit Vinny.” Which is a long name, especially when I am not paid per word for this Blog - or at all for that matter. Now I’m hungry.

Point/Counterpoint: Let's Think of Titles for Every Post vs. I'd Rather Play Another Game of NHL 94

2007-08-06T19:40:00.000-04:00

Well, it's early August around here, and this hockey blogger has a slight case of duality. On the one hand I can't wait for hockey season to start, but on the other hand, I have no idea what "duality" means. So what's a true hockey fan to do? Well we have several options:

a) Try to follow baseball with it's confusing lack of skates, greasy helmets, and enough crotch-scratching to indicate it might just be sponsored by Valtrex.

b) Create a hockey blog and pepper any severely lacking updates with inane chronoligical lists, that for some reason skip letter "d".

c) Play a little NHL 94 on the Super Nintendo Entertainment System. Why they never made another hockey game after this confuses me. BELIEVE YOU ME THEY DID NOT.

e) Trash-talk to other hockey fans about your teams previous, and assured, future success.

I choose "e". And, no matter how much you moan and beg, I can't hear you - you're just upsetting the rest of the people in the library computer room. No, I'm sorry. There is little to no substance going on right now. What's that? The arbitrator awarded Ryan Craig $850,000? Well, still not newsworthy. Not when we can instead make very funny quips such as calling the Hurricanes the HER-icanes. HAHAHAHA see what I did there?

Anyway, the point is, we have to stick together. We here in the LOL SE division of the LMAO NHL ON VS. have nobody else. Because frankly, we will not watch regular season baseball, and no I'm not interested in what flavor gatorade "Cadillac" Williams reached for this afternoon. No, I'm interested in angering complete strangers over the internet about a sport that isn't even in contention at this moment in time.

So bring it on INTERNET. Let's see what you've got.

Sorry, I don't do titles

2007-03-12T14:34:00.000-04:00

So, this blog is under construction. In fact, this introduction is the very first time I have ever “blogged” and possibly the last time I will use the non-word “blogged” as an verb (or is it an adjective?) for what I am doing. As I am writing this, the website remains in shambles. Really, if this blog was in a real world construction site, I would say it is stuck in some sort of permit limbo where the guys are standing around scratching themselves and whistling at women. But I’m working on that, and maybe, just maybe – I will actually add some pictures of a puck or something.

As you may have deduced from the title, and domain name of this online scratchpad, this is a Tampa Bay Lightning blog. And rest assured, I will maintain the type of professional courtesy and sportsmanship that you have come to expect out of typical Canadian (ITZ OUR GAME) media during a Stanley Cup run by a Southern hockey team, only with less flannel and “watered-down beer” remarks. Furthermore, since absolutely no one will ever read this, much less comprehend my inane ramblings; I see fit to take many personal attacks at varying peoples, races, and hockey allegiances.

I must say that I am honored to be chosen by myself to write this blog. I really think that I am the best candidate. Having seen many hockey blogs, I have to say I believe we can do better. And, I believe we should. But, it has always been a dream of mine to run a hockey blog website and to know that today, without putting in much effort at all, I will. It’s incredibly gratifying. Thank you.

LOLSH Blogroll

2006-01-01T23:06:00.003-05:00

Bowlarea - Bowling
Bowling
batplaza.com
Baseball
Golf at GolferBox
Golf
PoolDark.com
Billiards

Skiing - Snowboarding