Lightning News of the Week

There has been a lot of talk about bloggers lately and what they offer a team. Well, we know what I offer them, I offer to do their laundry, and all I get is a call from the team attorneys and a restraining order that tells me I have to stay 200ft away from Lecavalier (good thing I can only afford nosebleeds!)

But seriously, with my own mix of envious “can do” attitude, “in your face” diatribe writing style, and “officer these cuffs are hurting me” behind-the-scenes of the player’s lives investigative reporting, you should be noticing an improvement in the Tampa Bay Lightning organization within the year. Pretty much if we make it past the first round of the playoffs this year it’s basically because of me.

“So if you’re so important and cute and smart and sexy why don’t you write more?” you would say if you were me writing what you would say. Well, Mr. perceptive, you try keeping a blog up to date, restoring your youthful vigor by sleeping in a hyperbolic chamber 12 hours a day, and telling other people how to live their lives even when they don’t ask for it; all the while satisfying your court-mandated community service. Then you can talk. But until then, I will continue to bring you the news that you didn’t even know that you didn’t want to know.

Yay! A new post! This is what you just said. And it was aloud. How embarrassing! However, I must warn you; the update is low on content, humor, and as always - sodium glucose. This is par for the course, unfortunately. That’s because I put this little blog up all by my big-boy self and I only learned myself enough about HTML to write some non-sequiturs about the Lightning, and poke fun at Tim Taylor. Then I put my brain back on a constant diet of malted hops. Seriously, I made this website with the internet equivalent of a bunch of pipe cleaners, hot glue gun, cotton balls, and tongue depressors. It’s not pretty, but I think the most important thing about it is that you, the benefactor, realize the thought and creativity that goes into this, this home-made PRESENT I make for you.

Also, while writing this blog I have that intense look on my face that denotes literary genius, and/or multiple bran muffins. But, the pure truth of the matter is if I don’t come up with an idea for a story to blog within 1.6 seconds after starting the thinking process; my eyes glaze over and I begin thinking about swimming pools, kittens, and monster trucks. So, even though I have the look of a literary genius, delving into the depths of mind-blowing existential theory, really I’m just thinking about “grave digger” smashing some old cars with their windshields removed and radio antennas bent down.

But don’t worry dear reader/admirer/probation officer. I’m not done. As soon as I figure out how to make one of those cool, multi-colored, flashing banners with audio that embarrass you because now all your co-workers know you aren’t working; this blog will take off out of the blogosphere, and accelerate into blog speed, and blog blog blog.

Was this originally going somewhere? Was I trying to tell you something earlier? Are you even still reading? Yes? Am I going to keep answering my own questions? Yes.

I forgot to wear a belt to work today. HOW DOES THAT EVEN HAPPEN?

State of the Blog

So it’s been a week or so since my last post and the guilt has overridden my conscience. Thankfully, I wiped my prints off the tire iron. But what of this blog? The HTML coding is in abject squalor, the many Google ads littered around precariously go largely unclicked and have developed a despondent sense of self-worth, and my writing style is a Flesch-Kincaid third grade level.

Well, it’s been a tough year for me. My cordless mouse batteries died last week, and like anyone who has had a death recently, I have found it hard to get back into the daily grind (SYMPATHY HOME RUN). I have also been out of town for the past week or so. Wait, that’s not true. But you, the “blogee” didn’t know that. Fact is; there isn’t even any way for you to check up on that. You have little to no idea where I’ve been or what I’ve been doing. Although, the even money is that I am in my guest room bathed in the glow of multiple LCD monitors displaying Japanese animation, a cheeto-stained keyboard, and “Funyuns.” However, you wouldn’t even have the faintest notion that this was the case. Like Svengali, I could tell you anything, and you’d be forced to believe it. But no, I would never make such an egregious lie to you, my faithful reader. No, a man of my stature: Harvard law degree, naturally olive skin, and rock-hard pecs, would never lie with such malice to you.

I can only attribute such lethargy to a mixture of apathy, ennui, and the water-like weak coffees of the world (you know who you are). However, the main reason for my tardiness would, of course, be that it is the off season for just a week or so more. Like others in the extended Lightning organization, (yeah, I went there) I have been absolutely engulfed in my off-season training regime; hitting the weights to increase my typing speed. Meditating, and plagiarizing better blogs to increase wit and content. Finally, praying to increase readership.

But this blog isn’t about begging for regular readers, no that’s what the “late-night house call” campaign was about. (Ever heard of returning a phone call?) No, friends, this Blog is about the Tampa Bay Lightning, Googling our own name to check our criminal records, updates on my cynicism and raging bitterness, and the occasional bonus brownie recipe. With the season almost upon us, I am officially getting that deep-pitted feeling in my stomach. And this time, it’s not the Crohn’s disease. No, it’s the 2007 season, and it's everything; its infinite hope and love and promise and the whole world is spinning. Yes, it’s just like a week old burrito. It’s salubrious, and lugubrious at the same time. It’s an excuse to have a beer on a Wednesday, and skip that AA meeting. And finally, it’s ok to wear a hockey jersey as an adult (just don’t go outside. Seriously, they only look good with a color-matched hoodie underneath.)

Fudgy-Brownie Recipe:

INGREDIENTS:
8 - 1 ounce squares of unsweetened chocolate
1 cup butter
5 eggs
3 cups sugar
1 tablespoon vanilla
1-1/2 cups flour
1 teaspoon salt
2-1/2 cups chopped pecans or walnuts, toasted

PREPARATION:
preheat oven to 375 degrees. grease a 9 x 13 pan. melt chocolate and butter in a saucepan over low heat; set aside. in a mixer, beat eggs, sugar and vanilla at high speed for 10 minutes**. blend in chocolate mixture, flour and salt until just mixed.

stir in the nuts(lol). pour into prepared pan. bake for 35-40 minutes. (don't overbake.) cool and frost if desired, but that is not necessary.

** It's not required, but this is when it's very nice to own a stand mixer.