Thursday, December 13, 2007

Blog Update

Apparantly October NEVER EVEN HAPPENED.

Seriously, don't bring it up. Ever. New rule: we don't talk about it, we go about our lives, 24/7/334. And maybe, at this time next year (11 months from now) we can talk about reinstituting a month somewhere in the September/November range.

Wednesday, December 12, 2007

Lightning News of the Week

There has been a lot of talk about bloggers lately and what they offer a team. Well, we know what I offer them, I offer to do their laundry, and all I get is a call from the team attorneys and a restraining order that tells me I have to stay 200ft away from Lecavalier (good thing I can only afford nosebleeds!)

But seriously, with my own mix of envious “can do” attitude, “in your face” diatribe writing style, and “officer these cuffs are hurting me” behind-the-scenes of the player’s lives investigative reporting, you should be noticing an improvement in the Tampa Bay Lightning organization within the year. Pretty much if we make it past the first round of the playoffs this year it’s basically because of me.

“So if you’re so important and cute and smart and sexy why don’t you write more?” you would say if you were me writing what you would say. Well, Mr. perceptive, you try keeping a blog up to date, restoring your youthful vigor by sleeping in a hyperbolic chamber 12 hours a day, and telling other people how to live their lives even when they don’t ask for it; all the while satisfying your court-mandated community service. Then you can talk. But until then, I will continue to bring you the news that you didn’t even know that you didn’t want to know.

Thursday, November 15, 2007

Yay! A new post! This is what you just said. And it was aloud. How embarrassing! However, I must warn you; the update is low on content, humor, and as always - sodium glucose. This is par for the course, unfortunately. That’s because I put this little blog up all by my big-boy self and I only learned myself enough about HTML to write some non-sequiturs about the Lightning, and poke fun at Tim Taylor. Then I put my brain back on a constant diet of malted hops. Seriously, I made this website with the internet equivalent of a bunch of pipe cleaners, hot glue gun, cotton balls, and tongue depressors. It’s not pretty, but I think the most important thing about it is that you, the benefactor, realize the thought and creativity that goes into this, this home-made PRESENT I make for you.

Also, while writing this blog I have that intense look on my face that denotes literary genius, and/or multiple bran muffins. But, the pure truth of the matter is if I don’t come up with an idea for a story to blog within 1.6 seconds after starting the thinking process; my eyes glaze over and I begin thinking about swimming pools, kittens, and monster trucks. So, even though I have the look of a literary genius, delving into the depths of mind-blowing existential theory, really I’m just thinking about “grave digger” smashing some old cars with their windshields removed and radio antennas bent down.

But don’t worry dear reader/admirer/probation officer. I’m not done. As soon as I figure out how to make one of those cool, multi-colored, flashing banners with audio that embarrass you because now all your co-workers know you aren’t working; this blog will take off out of the blogosphere, and accelerate into blog speed, and blog blog blog.

Was this originally going somewhere? Was I trying to tell you something earlier? Are you even still reading? Yes? Am I going to keep answering my own questions? Yes.

Wednesday, September 19, 2007

I forgot to wear a belt to work today. HOW DOES THAT EVEN HAPPEN?

Friday, September 14, 2007

State of the Blog

So it’s been a week or so since my last post and the guilt has overridden my conscience. Thankfully, I wiped my prints off the tire iron. But what of this blog? The HTML coding is in abject squalor, the many Google ads littered around precariously go largely unclicked and have developed a despondent sense of self-worth, and my writing style is a Flesch-Kincaid third grade level.

Well, it’s been a tough year for me. My cordless mouse batteries died last week, and like anyone who has had a death recently, I have found it hard to get back into the daily grind (SYMPATHY HOME RUN). I have also been out of town for the past week or so. Wait, that’s not true. But you, the “blogee” didn’t know that. Fact is; there isn’t even any way for you to check up on that. You have little to no idea where I’ve been or what I’ve been doing. Although, the even money is that I am in my guest room bathed in the glow of multiple LCD monitors displaying Japanese animation, a cheeto-stained keyboard, and “Funyuns.” However, you wouldn’t even have the faintest notion that this was the case. Like Svengali, I could tell you anything, and you’d be forced to believe it. But no, I would never make such an egregious lie to you, my faithful reader. No, a man of my stature: Harvard law degree, naturally olive skin, and rock-hard pecs, would never lie with such malice to you.

I can only attribute such lethargy to a mixture of apathy, ennui, and the water-like weak coffees of the world (you know who you are). However, the main reason for my tardiness would, of course, be that it is the off season for just a week or so more. Like others in the extended Lightning organization, (yeah, I went there) I have been absolutely engulfed in my off-season training regime; hitting the weights to increase my typing speed. Meditating, and plagiarizing better blogs to increase wit and content. Finally, praying to increase readership.

But this blog isn’t about begging for regular readers, no that’s what the “late-night house call” campaign was about. (Ever heard of returning a phone call?) No, friends, this Blog is about the Tampa Bay Lightning, Googling our own name to check our criminal records, updates on my cynicism and raging bitterness, and the occasional bonus brownie recipe. With the season almost upon us, I am officially getting that deep-pitted feeling in my stomach. And this time, it’s not the Crohn’s disease. No, it’s the 2007 season, and it's everything; its infinite hope and love and promise and the whole world is spinning. Yes, it’s just like a week old burrito. It’s salubrious, and lugubrious at the same time. It’s an excuse to have a beer on a Wednesday, and skip that AA meeting. And finally, it’s ok to wear a hockey jersey as an adult (just don’t go outside. Seriously, they only look good with a color-matched hoodie underneath.)

Fudgy-Brownie Recipe:

INGREDIENTS:
8 - 1 ounce squares of unsweetened chocolate
1 cup butter
5 eggs
3 cups sugar
1 tablespoon vanilla
1-1/2 cups flour
1 teaspoon salt
2-1/2 cups chopped pecans or walnuts, toasted

PREPARATION:
preheat oven to 375 degrees. grease a 9 x 13 pan. melt chocolate and butter in a saucepan over low heat; set aside. in a mixer, beat eggs, sugar and vanilla at high speed for 10 minutes**. blend in chocolate mixture, flour and salt until just mixed.

stir in the nuts(lol). pour into prepared pan. bake for 35-40 minutes. (don't overbake.) cool and frost if desired, but that is not necessary.

** It's not required, but this is when it's very nice to own a stand mixer.

Tuesday, September 4, 2007

"Look, Very Soon I Can Actually Start Writing About Hockey Games, Hang In There" Report for 9/4/2007

As the weeks dwindle by, and the days all meld into one sort of “super-day” in which I am perpetually going to work, I lament the last remaining days of summer with a glimmer in my eye like an old man recounting the days of his youth. Yet, on the horizon, just out of reach, is my “Rushmore” – Hockey season. With training camp mere weeks away, I have already begun the traditional “hockey season is back” hugs that generally last a little bit too long, and usually fill up the office complaint box within minutes. Although my questionable sexual orientation may be the inexplicable leitmotiv of this blog, I digress. The real reason for my salubrious attitude in the face of waning summer time activities is the start of the 2007 Tampa Bay Lightning season. And while winter-time brings with it a cold-gray reality, and an alabaster visage, we have the one thing that a new season brings that could never be swallowed up by the unfortunate vicissitudes of life: hope. Hope of a new season and a fresh start.

With that said, hope is not naïve. I don’t need a perfect season this year. 81-1 is cool. But I would like to see the second round of the playoffs this year, and maybe even a new division banner? Last year, Lecavalier turned my enjoyment of hockey from something that's borderline unhealthy to something that's completely unhealthy. While I really can’t expect him to lead the league in goals every year, I do expect him to at the very least break 50 again this year.

Will Doug MacLean continue to be the Machiavellian douche that got him run out of Columbus and Miami? Will they spend the money to get players at the trade deadline if and when we do require that? Will I fix my typos in this article before I post it? Unlikely.

Well, of one thing you can be sure, this blog, fueled mostly by caffeinated drinks and Centrum multi-vitamins, will be broadcast simultaneously to all three people I know on the internet and in 49 states (sorry Tennessee!) So I will stay on top of the ansgty melodrama that is sure to follow this team this season, and offer my unbiased (READ: I haven’t been bought, YET *Hint hint*) opinion and entertain those of you who meant to click on the link above mine. So read on, those of you with poor mouse skills, and keep checking this blog. I guarantee that you will die from the literary genius contained within*



*results not guaranteed.

Wednesday, August 8, 2007

What? Regular Updates? Why I Never...

So little Marty St. Louis gets to wear the third "A" this season as Tim Taylor mends his hip bone and retains the "C". I like it. I for one, hate Tim Taylor. I hate his name. I hate his wrap arounds. I hate his dreamy eyes and legs that just won't quit. I hate this game worn jersey of his that I purchased and sleep in every night. But most of all, I hate that he reminds me of "Home Improvement". And while the thought of him wheelchair bound brings a smile to my face and a glimmer in my eye, I still relenquish the fact that he won't hang them up.

But now, Marty gets some attention with an "A". True fact: He is the smallest NHL player to get a letter since Theo Fleury got his "AA". HEY-O! Look, I'm not getting paid per joke here. And I didn't say it was a true fact.

Titillating Title

Today, as I ambled into work and gave my customary mid-morning prayer for the ability to fly, I felt something was wrong. Very wrong. Then, I realized my zipper was down, and I had already been warned about this at work. But then, right after that, I noticed that something was different. Turns out my chair was set at a different height by the late night cleaning crew. So after sitting down, and flipping on the radio, my heart stopped – Justin Timberlake has a new song on, and it’s my new jam. And that’s pretty much how my day started out. Yup. Pretty typical, including the zipper down thing, which I am going to have to remedy with a safety pin.

Oh, and the Lightning were sold to a new ownership group.

Wait, What? Did you just hear read me right? That’s right. The bolts were sold for an undisclosed amount of money. And if I had taken any journalistic classes, I’d have known to include that fact in the first paragraph of this blog. But I didn’t, and neither did you. That fake Pulitzer isn’t fooling anyone.

“So what does this all mean?” My mom says to me when she reads my blog, as my ramblings seem to have no coherent value. Well, it means that the future of the Lightning is less clear than it was yesterday. Is this a good or a bad thing? Well, that is what we will have to wait and see. Or, instead we can speculate wildly. I chose the latter.

Situation A – This is a good thing:

This situation is very optimistic. The Lightning have had a very mediocre summer. They had no money to spend, and no substance past the first line and Brad Richards. Alternately, we’re not Buffalo so we got that going for us. With the general lack of movement for two off seasons in a row, it’s obvious to just about everyone that the Feaster has had his hands tied for some time now. This is bad, as first round playoff exits are only a dream if you’re in Toronto. So, now with a new ownership, maybe some moves can be made to elevate the team that everyone knows cannot be made better with the current farm system.

Situation B – This is a bad thing:

Bill Davidson may look like the crypt keeper from “Tales from the Dark Side,” and he may be located in Detroit, but he did own a team that won the cup. He may not have given us the maximum cap, but he did let us sign several high-end free agents over his tenure. And he may or may not smell like moth balls, but he did fly down here once, seriously I saw him on T.V. What have these new guys done? Nothing that’s what. And they may continue doing nothing right up until they; move the team, escalate ticket prices, and punch pregnant mothers in the stomach.

Situation C – Status Quo, let’s go get a sandwich:

This is the “it doesn’t matter who owns the kiddies, they have no money and there are no talented goalies/forwards/capable defenseman on the market anyway. Let’s plan a trip to Montreal in Mid-April to visit Vinny.” Which is a long name, especially when I am not paid per word for this Blog - or at all for that matter. Now I’m hungry.

Monday, August 6, 2007

Point/Counterpoint: Let's Think of Titles for Every Post vs. I'd Rather Play Another Game of NHL 94

Well, it's early August around here, and this hockey blogger has a slight case of duality. On the one hand I can't wait for hockey season to start, but on the other hand, I have no idea what "duality" means. So what's a true hockey fan to do? Well we have several options:

a) Try to follow baseball with it's confusing lack of skates, greasy helmets, and enough crotch-scratching to indicate it might just be sponsored by Valtrex.

b) Create a hockey blog and pepper any severely lacking updates with inane chronoligical lists, that for some reason skip letter "d".

c) Play a little NHL 94 on the Super Nintendo Entertainment System. Why they never made another hockey game after this confuses me. BELIEVE YOU ME THEY DID NOT.

e) Trash-talk to other hockey fans about your teams previous, and assured, future success.

I choose "e". And, no matter how much you moan and beg, I can't hear you - you're just upsetting the rest of the people in the library computer room. No, I'm sorry. There is little to no substance going on right now. What's that? The arbitrator awarded Ryan Craig $850,000? Well, still not newsworthy. Not when we can instead make very funny quips such as calling the Hurricanes the HER-icanes. HAHAHAHA see what I did there?

Anyway, the point is, we have to stick together. We here in the LOL SE division of the LMAO NHL ON VS. have nobody else. Because frankly, we will not watch regular season baseball, and no I'm not interested in what flavor gatorade "Cadillac" Williams reached for this afternoon. No, I'm interested in angering complete strangers over the internet about a sport that isn't even in contention at this moment in time.

So bring it on INTERNET. Let's see what you've got.

Monday, March 12, 2007

Sorry, I don't do titles

So, this blog is under construction. In fact, this introduction is the very first time I have ever “blogged” and possibly the last time I will use the non-word “blogged” as an verb (or is it an adjective?) for what I am doing. As I am writing this, the website remains in shambles. Really, if this blog was in a real world construction site, I would say it is stuck in some sort of permit limbo where the guys are standing around scratching themselves and whistling at women. But I’m working on that, and maybe, just maybe – I will actually add some pictures of a puck or something.

As you may have deduced from the title, and domain name of this online scratchpad, this is a Tampa Bay Lightning blog. And rest assured, I will maintain the type of professional courtesy and sportsmanship that you have come to expect out of typical Canadian (ITZ OUR GAME) media during a Stanley Cup run by a Southern hockey team, only with less flannel and “watered-down beer” remarks. Furthermore, since absolutely no one will ever read this, much less comprehend my inane ramblings; I see fit to take many personal attacks at varying peoples, races, and hockey allegiances.

I must say that I am honored to be chosen by myself to write this blog. I really think that I am the best candidate. Having seen many hockey blogs, I have to say I believe we can do better. And, I believe we should. But, it has always been a dream of mine to run a hockey blog website and to know that today, without putting in much effort at all, I will. It’s incredibly gratifying. Thank you.